Where do I start?
False promises. I have made them often enough, broken them without shame, held no responsibility over them until it was too late to learn from their failures. Writing words on a canvas has served as a way to understand fleeting thoughts, be it to act on those thoughts, or to just alleviate some of the stress. There is no need to repeat what I tell time and again, because it has lost its meaning a year ago. I am not the writer I used to be, not a man who has his life details resting away on its own palace on the internet.
But maybe I can aspire to become something like that again. If I speak truthly, I have no regrets for not having posted frequently as I used to. Just because I was not documenting the changes I have been going through these last months, does not mean that I have remained at the same position, chained by my ankles disallowed to continue. Had this inactivity happen a year ago, then I would have probably spiralled into a new depression, and disregarded all my important values and goals. I would have claimed that I can’t do it, and perhaps some day, I will be strong enough to continue. These words were not said because I meant them or believed them, but because I needed a valid excuse to be scared of change.
I never wanted to confront my issues. Confronting your own demons means opening yourself up to become vulnerable to failure. And say for example, you lose? I believed that that could extinguish the weak candle of hope I held in my bouncing heart, something I believed was the only reason I would not fall into deep depression. I had always believed that someday, a man would take over my body; a man with enough willpower, discipline, motivation and understanding to lead myself to victory. In instances where life began to actually feel suffocating, I had begged for this man to come and to silently suffocate the last gust of air my ‘weak’ self.
But miracles don’t usually happen, no matter how bad you actively dream about it. Because that is what every achievement boils down to: do you dream about it, or do you strive towards it? And I had only been writing and dreaming about being a person who needs nothing else to rely on but himself. The idea seemed like a trope stolen from one of my favorite shows, something only strong characters could utilize like my heroes. But I am no Batman, and the idea of being a mental human who knows his own limits enough to trust himself, was only a fake belief I had. This is the bottleneck I ran into for so many years.
I would have stayed at the same place in my mental space, had nothing changed. Perhaps now, I would have been writing about how I was going to make it count this time, how I just need to ‘keep going’ and ‘fight against all odds’. The post would have been a rehash of the first 2 years of my blog, and not a lesson would have been learned about how to actually deal with personal issues. This would have happened now, but, it hasn’t.
I genuinely feel different. A sentence I always said to specify a specific difference in my personality, be it short-lived or promisingly long-term. I must confess that I am thinking often about the changes that have been taken place over the last 5 months, but unfortunately, I just don’t understand the differences all too well. These months have been the tipping point in my attitude towards obstacles and negative emotions, and because of that, the only comparable feeling I can think of right now is as if a rug has been pulled out from under me. It all happened so gradually, that I didn’t raise any awareness towards this difference until the paradigm was already shifted. No longer do I feel any need to panic whenever a situation appears where I lose control. Bigger fears and daunting tasks don’t intice me to shiver any longer.
It felt, for a lack of a better analogue, as if I woke up one day and I realized I suddenly had become Spider-man. The reason for this difference has turned out to be something so simple, I wonder why I have not undergone this earlier: mindfulness. Understanding our own emotions, and the way our body reacts to these thoughts, is the key to self-accepting our inbred personality and faults. Fighting something that is part of my nature is exactly what made life and progress so difficult, but once that was stopped, the difficulty changed.
Accepting fears, learning to live with them, understanding and trusting my own thoughts: all of this has led up to a person with more confidence than he has ever had. Talking to people does not feel as scary any longer, moments of panic are handled with love and care, and people do not seem as ugly as they used to. I have started to see all the ugly thoughts in my head as they came by, and I accepted them as my own life as well. By accepting myself, I have opened the path to loving myself, and through that, loving others.
There is room for much growth in my life. I am on the highway towards becoming a web developer, and I have not been as determined in achieving something in a long time. This is my current long-term goal, and I won’t shy away from it. No obstacles will hold me for long. But knowledge and purpose is not the only factor that deserves attention. No matter how satisfied my social skills may feel now, I have traits and characteristics that need attention. I may have stated earlier that I must accept who I am, but ugly characteristics that have grown in over the years can be erased. One quality, specifically, stands out to me: being a gossiper. Other people’s secrets are not my domain to explore, and if they must tell me something, then I must respect their secret.
I hope that I may learn to enjoy writing again, as I used to. Perhaps I will fall out of it again, perhaps I will stay and learn my place again by the blog: whatever happens, happens, and there is no need to beat myself up over it.
It does feel good to be back. I have missed this.